Canada’s plan to “clean up” the oil sands

The Breach
Still - Canada’s plan to “clean up” the oil sands

Mar. 15, 2023

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Hello, I’m from the Canadian government with an important update about one of our most cherished traditions: turning pristine waterways into rancid waste ways.

For years, the Alberta oil sands have been dealing with a PR problem—I mean, environmental crisis.

Slimy mining leftovers that from outer space look like planetary shit stains.

These tailing ponds hold 1.4 trillion cubic meters of chemical sludge.

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A quantity experts refer to as a “fuckton.”

But not to worry, we’ve come up with a nifty solution: letting oil companies discharge their problem straight into the Athabasca River.

This will release sodium chloride, cancer-causing acids, and toxic government bullshit.

Sure, local Indigenous communities that depend on these waters haven’t given their consent.

And sure, scientists say other options would be much safer.

But we can’t expect oil companies to spend a tiny portion of their enormous profits cleaning up the mess they created—that would go against everything our government has ever stood for.

Fuck you, rivers!

You might be asking, what will the effect be of so much waste released into Alberta’s largest watershed?

Think of it as mystery water. Is it magical? Is it poisonous? Who knows! (It’s poisonous.)

In our defense, we’ve only been ignoring our own reports about the dangers since 1971.

And it’s not like UNESCO is on the verge of labelling the region a World Heritage Site in Danger.

Some might be raising an alarm, but we found a much more credible voice.

This corporate dingus who claims it will be just like putting your tap water through a Brita filter.

“It works just like your Brita filter works at home.”

Mmm, refreshing!

Our Environment Minister Steven Guilbeault has assured the public that the solution will not be decided by industry.

It will be decided by our government, which is so far up the ass of Big Oil it’s too filthy to show you the image.

Recall what happened a few years ago, when Alberta’s energy regulator ordered oil companies to bury the waste as an alternative to releasing it into the river.

The oil companies ignored it, and our government ignored them ignoring it, and we both hoped you would ignore us ignoring them ignoring it.

And to make sure the energy regulator never made a mistake like that again, Alberta put an oil lobbyist in charge of it.

Cool and normal. It’s exactly the kind of commitment that’s made us a world leader in pretending to be a world leader in environmentalism.

At the end of the day, it’s simply easier to let oil companies use our public waters as personal sewers.

After all, we already let them use the atmosphere that way and that’s been going great.

And since we haven’t required oil companies to put aside nearly enough money to clean up the landscape, you’ll likely have to foot the bill for tens or even hundreds of billions of dollars.


Think of it as a charity where all the hungry orphans look like this.

These ghouls are now just waiting for the green light from our ministry expected by 2025.

Which is why, unless you catch wind of this, we can let the dumping commence!